


Free falling

by mkhhhx



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, almost a fwbs au but not really, obviously unbetaed, taewoo giving life advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25691710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: He half-ignores Donghyuck’s hands trailing with more purpose than before, like an invisible dam has broken and there is an incoming flood. He ignores the little “I love you hyung”s muttered against his skin, at the corners of his mouth, accompanied by hands clinging on his frame with desperation, as if he’s gonna leave.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Comments: 28
Kudos: 202





	Free falling

“I could really kiss you right now” Donghyuck says, face buried in Taeil’s neck, arms and legs thrown around him. He sneaked in Taeil’s room a little after lunch saying he “needed love” and jumping on his bed, on him. Every now and then he mutters a couple words, leaves a few kisses, squishes Taeil’s ass or the sides of his thighs and Taeil does nothing more than hum apprehensively. It’s nothing out of the ordinary and Taeil loves busking in Donghyuck’s affection like this.

“I’m serious” Donghyuck presses his lips on Taeil’s pulse point, lips chapped but warm on the bare skin, “I really am.”

Donghyuck kisses him a lot, on the cheeks, on the crown of his hair, his neck sometimes, bites Taeil’s arms when he feels feisty. Taeil doesn’t think much of it since being touchy was always a vital part of their dynamic. He isn’t sure how serious Donghyuck is about kissing him but he doesn’t react, looking up with a slight smirk. Deep down he knows Donghyuck never lies, never hesitates, not when he sets his mind on something.

“Kiss me then” Taeil says, drowsy in the afternoon light, back pressed on his pillows and Donghyuck’s weight sweet on his lap. He half expects Donghyuck to laugh the whole thing off, keep cuddling him like it never happened, call him a “cute, stupid hyung” and pinch his checks, but he isn’t surprised when Donghyuck leans in, either.

It’s not often that Donghyuck shows weakness. Even when he first joined the company his strong sense of pride combined with eagerness for hard work rarely let his insecurities escape through the cracks, not around other people at least. But at that moment Donghyuck’s eyes flicker with something between anxiety and fear for the tiniest moment just before they shut. So do Taeil’s when Donghyuck’s mouth slots over his, uncertain, slow, just lips on lips, dry and innocent.

And then they are gone, Donghyuck returning to his previous position tucked against Taeil, hands trembling the tiniest bit. Taeil holds them, lets Donghyuck nuzzle on his chest until he falls asleep, getting a few precious hours of rest before it’s time to return to the practice rooms. They don’t have to pretend the kiss never happened. It did, yet nothing changed, as if it was just the natural next step.

They kiss again. Again and again and again. Taeil convinces himself it means nothing for the sake of his sanity, suppresses the part of his brain that knows better, keeps telling himself that nothing changed. They were close friends with a relationship relying heavily on physical touch and that’s exactly what they are now, too.

He half-ignores Donghyuck’s hands trailing with more purpose than before, like an invisible dam has broken and there is an incoming flood. He ignores the little “I love you hyung”s muttered against his skin, at the corners of his mouth, accompanied by hands clinging on his frame with desperation, as if he’s gonna leave. He’d never leave Donghyuck.

So they keep kissing. At their bedrooms when their roommates are away, at empty practice rooms, at the back of the van. Still, nothing changes. Not when the kisses are soft and chaste, just small good mornings, goodnights, “I missed you”, or “you did well at the studio today”. Not when they are open mouthed and rushed, someone pushed against a wall, someone panting, knees between thighs and fingers pulling on hair.

Taeil starts doubting his sanity every time it happens. Donghyuck’s intentions are clear as a day but Taeil does nothing to stop him. They almost get caught a handful of times, by Taeyong, by Johnny, by Yuta, their usual clinginess saving them from explaining the positions they are found in.

Donghyuck pushes and Taeil gives in. He gives in when a tongue slips into his mouth, warm and curious. He gives in when Donghyuck’s hands find their way under his shirt and explore bare skin. He gives in when Donghyuck’s hard and rutting against his leg. He gives in because he can’t say no to Donghyuck, was never able to. He gives in because, as much as he rationalizes or ignores what’s happening, he cannot deny the simplest of truths. He is enjoying this.

Between hectic schedules and being afraid of their personal info getting leaked their chances of dating or simply getting laid are getting lower by the day so Taeil perfectly understands that they have needs and the easiest solution is to act them out on each other. He has seen it before between members, he has done it before too, nothing uncommon in the industry. But the way Donghyuck looks at him, the way he touches him, the way every little thing seems to have a deeper meaning and how Donghyuck chants his little “I love you”s like he expects to hear them back. Taeil knows it’s a trainwreck waiting to happen.

The crush and burn doesn’t take too long. It’s a hot summer night, Johnny out with Jungwoo, and Taeil sprawled on Donghyuck’s bed. They’ve never gone far but they always seem to be on the verge of doing so.

They’re kissing, Taeil trying to ground himself, Donghyuck’s mouth getting lower and lower, from his lips down to his stomach making him lightheaded. They’re both shirtless, both hard and Donghyuck’s hand is palming him without shame, Taeil trying to hide the extent of his excitement, be quiet because there are still other people in the apartment, and failing.

“Can I?” Donghyuck whispers against his navel, nails digging on the soft skin, hand clutching the waistband of Taeil’s shorts. He nods and knows it is only downhill from there.

He doesn’t know how much time passes with Donghyuck between his legs, then underneath him. Taeil sweats into the sheets, almost letting his tongue slip to moan Donghyuck’s name, but he doesn’t. And then he manhandles Donghyuck on his back, pushes his sweats down and works him until the word “hyung” is rolling off his tongue in the sweetest way.

It’s a bit later, when they are lying on their sides when the flood is about to happen, about to drown them both. Donghyuck’s hand is on Taeil’s hair threading through the short strands, eyelids heavy with sleep, both ignoring the barely cleaned up mess between them.

“I wish we weren’t idols” Donghyuck cups Taeil’s cheek and leans in. They don’t kiss, but Taeil feels Donghyuck’s breath on his face, warm, familiar and comforting, “So I could fall in love with you and let the whole world know.”

Taeil freezes, body going rigid as if alarms start going off in his head.

“Donghyuck” he tries and Donghyuck looks at him almost scared because Taeil rarely panics, “Donghyuck, don’t say that.”

“I’m being honest, hyung” Donghyuck says, retrieving his hand.

“I should-“ Taeil gets up, his mind in a haze, “I should get going, I should-“

Donghyuck doesn’t stop him when he crosses the room with fast steps, doesn’t utter a word. Taeil hates himself for looking back, looking back just once before shutting the door behind him, because Donghyuck’s eyes are teary.

Falling in love is restricted. Falling in love in such a way, that is. Falling in love with a boy. A boy that is a teammate, a coworker, a good friend. Taeil knows it could and would eventually fuck them up, both of them and maybe the whole team too, could tear them from the inside, could-.

“Taeil.” Taeyong sits on the couch next to him, “Taeil, what’s up?”

“Nothing” Taeil mumbles, with everything from his mediocre performance at the day’s practice to Donghyuck’s words swirling around in an ugly, messy soup in his head.

“Don’t lie to me” Taeyong places a hand on Taeil’s back, rubbing slow circles. “What’s up with Donghyuck?”

Taeil stares at him. Of course Taeyong knows. Of course, everyone knows. Living with so many people doesn’t leave any space for secrets, there’s only so much sneaking around that could go unnoticed and they were way past that point.

“I don’t know.” Taeil lies, “We’ll figure it out and resolve it, don’t worry.”

“Feelings don’t get resolved like that, hyung.” Taeyong’s smile is gentle, as his whole existence is, “Talk to him, let him talk to you, being honest is the only way you won’t both end up hurting.”

“Okay.” Taeil takes a deep breath and swallows the lump in his throat. “Okay, we will.”

Taeil tries to postpone it as much as he can but he knows Taeyong is right. They should talk. He can hear footsteps in front of his room at nights as if Donghyuck walked all the way there but doesn’t dare knock on the door, Taeil sees him watching him from the mirrors when they get their breaks at the practice rooms, watches how his body aches to get closer when they are sleepily huddled in the van but Donghyuck holds himself back, something he has never done before. It hurts Taeil more than anything else.

They were supposed to be talking. They were not talking.

Taeil had made sure he had his room to himself for a few hours. Fetched Donghyuck instead of messaging just to make sure he’d come, Taeyong’s eyes following them to the door. They made it to Taeil’s room without problem, Donghyuck’s hand into his own, silence between them and a hundred words and questions hanging in the air. And then they had climbed on Taeil’s bed, facing each other. Taeil was trying to recall his speech, all proper and polished in his mind and that’s when Donghyuck had started tearing up. And the few tears became full out sobbing and pleas of “I’m sorry hyung” and “I’m so sorry I ruined us”.

Taeil is a weak, weak man. And he is even weaker for Donghyuck, Lee Donghyuck for whom he’d turn the whole world upside down.

It starts with Taeil kissing Donghyuck’s tears away in the most familiar way of comforting him. It continues with Donghyuck cupping his face, kissing him full on his lips, sloppily, with a new kind of desperation. It ends with Taeil lying down on his stomach, naked with Donghyuck draped over his body, moving slowly, like the end is close and he’s trying to draw the moment out as long as he can and maybe he is right. Donghyuck keeps talking, whispering in Taeil’s ear, saying how much he loves him, saying he’s sorry again, saying he’s gonna fix things, saying he doesn’t know how, but he will.

It’s the first time Taeil lets himself moan Donghyuck’s name, loud and clear and he feels how Donghyuck stills above him, stills and groans as he kisses Taeil’s shoulders, his own orgasm washing over him.

And when they are done, dressed but still on the bed, the distance between them seems to have stretched to infinity and disappeared at the same time. Donghyuck isn’t touching him anymore and Taeil feels cold even if it’s the middle of the summer and neither has cared to turn on the fan.

Taeil falls asleep with Donghyuck watching him, unmoving, just breathing evenly across him.

When he wakes up again it’s the middle of the night, Yuta’s snoring is echoing in the room and his bed is too empty for his liking. And right then, sleepy and tired, Taeil thinks there’s a chance they can make things work out. At least hopes there is.

“Sometimes you just have to do your thing, you know?” Jungwoo tells him, sprawled on a chair while Taeil is trying to work in the studio. Jungwoo insisted he was too bored to be left alone at home and tagged along. “Follow your heart!”

“And you’re telling me this because-?” Taeil spins around on his chair and cocks an eyebrow.

“Because life’s too short to do everything right and proper.” Jungwoo smiles. His fucking irresistible smile. Taeil nods. “Yeah, things might get ugly. You might -and you will, hyung- fuck up.” Jungwoo gets up and settles on Taeil’s lap, the chair creaking under their weight. “So what? Life goes on. You get back on your feet and try again. You rely on people. You learn from your mistakes. You fuck up and the second time you fuck up less, that’s just how it is.”

“Sometimes the risk is bigger than the reward.” Taeil stares at his screensaver. “You can’t fall when you know you’ll take more people down.”

“It’s okay to be a little selfish.” Jungwoo gets up stealing Taeil’s half-full coffee, “the jump is scarier than the fall.”

And like that, Jungwoo leaves. Leaves Taeil alone with his thoughts.

For a significant amount of time, nothing happens. He and Donghyuck don’t hang out, but neither avoid each other like the plague so he supposes it’s not the worst-case scenario playing out. But it’s like watching a lake on a tranquil day. No waves, no fish jumping out of the water, nothing interesting or significant happens and Taeil loves steadiness but hates feeling stuck. He keeps thinking back to the “jump” Jungwoo mentioned. Maybe it’s time to rip the band aid and find out how bad it is underneath.

That time Donghyuck is the one to reach out for him first. He finds Taeil at one of the practice rooms, the tiny ones used for vocal training. He greets him with a little “hyung” and takes his hand until they are both sitting against the cool mirror.

Taeil waits for him to speak first, Donghyuck’s hands clammy and his eyes darting from the ceiling lights to Taeil’s shoes and back to the floor.

“I’m in love with you” Donghyuck finally says, not daring to look, “I don’t know what to do about it, I can’t make it go away.”

Taeil knows he’s running out of time. Knows he’s the one that will make the final decision and seal the deal. Knows he could ruin the possibility of any good future he could have with Donghyuck in a moment or say the right words and maybe start building something beautiful with him. He’s been on the edge for too long, maybe it’s time to jump.

“You don’t have to make it go away.” Taeil takes Donghyuck’s hand into his own, “We can try to make it work, together.”

“Hyung, are you suggesting…?” Donghyuck gets on his knees in front of him, a mix of surprise and confusion on his face.

“Yeah…I am suggesting.” Taeil mutters, suddenly feeling so low on energy.

“Like, dating?” Donghyuck looks three seconds away from passing out, or jumping on Taeil’s lap, or both.

“Like whatever will work for us.” Taeil hasn’t planned ahead. He doesn’t know what works, he doesn’t know exactly what he wants, he feels like he doesn’t know anything except that the smile gracing Donghyuck’s lips is the most kissable smile he has ever seen.

“Okay” Donghyuck falls into his arms, “okay, yes, yes we can figure it out hyung, we will figure it out-“

Taeil stops the excited bubbling with a kiss, then a second and a third. They make out right there, on the dirty floor of the practice room and for the first time it’s more excitement than worrying. Not a lake anymore, but a wide ocean, gentle waves rippling the surface and the water filled with all kinds of surprises.

“Take me out for dinner?” Donghyuck laughs against his mouth, both a little breathless. “Take me dancing afterwards?”

Taeil doesn’t even have to answer. Donghyuck knows, the members know, everyone knows. He’d do anything for Donghyuck.

It turns out, nothing really changes. They hang out and cuddle in their rooms and go on shopping sprees. Get handsy when they can. Sing together and cook side by side. Orbit around each other, like they always did.

The other members know, of course they do and still nothing changes, like they always knew, like Taeil and Donghyuck were always meant to be like this, parts of the team and bound to each other at the same time. Maybe it was a simple truth that Taeil couldn’t see until now.

And now that the jumping part is done and over Taeil can’t get enough of falling.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> You can find me [here](https://twitter.com/kuns_dimples)!


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